It's not in your head

These 5 words I've waited over 10 years to hear. I already knew them, I just needed it confirmed.

Today was that day.

I asked the question and was given the answer I simultaneously wanted but didn't want to hear. That photo above is the actual message I received. I have taken a screen shot that I may even print out as a reminder that

A: Always trust your instincts.

B: Don't let anybody ever do it to you again

You see years ago I met a guy. We seemed to hit it off straight away, however he was wanting only one thing and I was wanting more. So we parted ways.

A few months down the track he came knocking on my door late at night, slightly drunk. I didn't turn him away because I didn't want him back behind the wheel and so he stayed the night. Sure enough old habits kicked in and we were back to where we were months earlier.

Jump forward a year or so and we are still in that place only I had fallen hard for him. We would see each other twice a week. I'd sometimes cook dinner and he'd stay the night. I tried to turn off my feelings for him but I just couldn't. Somewhere in amongst it all we started to genuinely get close. He had his knee done, so I played nurse a little for him. He then had to move from his house so I went over to help him lift heavy stuff into his car. It then moved fast, we got together officially and he moved in.

Like all couples we had our ups and downs but we usually got past the downs pretty fast. the problem was in the back of my mind I had a niggling feeling. For some reason I could never fully trust him. I can't remember the exact moment I started to question him but I know it grew over time. I became that person that checked his phone. I even found messages from other girls but never said anything because I felt guilty that I was snooping. I was also made to feel guilty because I didn't trust him. Why didn't I call him on it? Because losing him would hurt more than the cheating.

One night he went out with a mate and left his phone at home. I don't know if it was deliberate so I couldn't contact him or whether it was an accident but either way I took the opportunity to read the messages. Sure enough there was a message from a girl that came thru after he left, so he hadn't responded. I considered answering it and asking who she was but once again didn't. Another night he was in bed asleep and his phone buzzed, so I checked it in case it was something important. Once again it was a girl, she was explaining that she couldn't see him Wednesday night because she had swimming so maybe they could catch up another time. I went back to bed and didn't sleep much that night. These sorts of things went on for the rest of our "relationship". The ultimate was him going away on holiday with his mate, yes I know that in itself was an alarm bell. He arrived back after 2 weeks away, late because he had supposedly had a flat tyre at the airport. He walked thru the door and there was something about the look on his face that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Again I said nothing as he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Fast forward a little bit and it was time for all the Xmas breakups. Being a tradie he had a few to go to over the week or so, so I was the dutiful girlfriend that dropped him off and picked him up. After 1 particular party we were driving home, he was extremely drunk but still awake. We were just chatting about nothing in particular and his phone went off. Being it was so late I asked who it was, of course he said it was one of the guys from the party. I took his word and we drove home where he fell into bed and that was it. The following day we were out somewhere and he went in to pay for petrol, I remembered about his phone from the night before and decided to check it. Yep sure enough, he had been calling a chick in the late hours before I had picked him up. I finally called him on it and he said they, yes "they" had called him. Which then led to a whole 'Well who are they?". Turns out it was girls he had met on that holiday but they were "just friends".

The more I write this the more I am now hating myself as I realise that whilst he was doing the wrong thing, I was the stupid idiot allowing it.

Eventually we broke up and he moved on very fast. I was gutted for a long time and put all the blame on myself. We were friends for a little while after that, but then things went badly and all ties were cut. I was left with unanswered questions and an extremely low self esteem.

I met a girl thru work a little while after this and sure enough she knew him, it was never discussed how well she knew him because I didn't want to hear and I think maybe she realised that she had been with a guy that was not single.

So basically yes I knew he had done the dirty but I was in denial for years afterwards and never quite got over him or the situation.

Fast forward a few years and I accidently stumbled across him on good old Facebook. I couldn't decide whether to message him or not, of course I did though. We caught up in real life and have been friends ever since.

Anybody that knows me, knows I like honesty. Whether that be me being brutally honest and possibly over the line to wanting the other person to be honest with me. So in saying that, we were chatting via iMessage earlier when we had managed to steer the conversation around to some pretty personal and heavy stuff. I took this opportunity to ask him if I could ask him the 2 questions I'd wanted to for many years and if I asked would he be honest with me? He agreed to answer and be honest. I stewed over which question to ask first and decided it was going to be why do you cheat? It was the easier question of the 2. I must have typed it 6 times and deleted instead of sending it. It was very confronting just seeing it written there. Eventually I just typed and sent it without stopping. I hadn't actually asked in relation to me, I just ask in general. He answered and I followed with another question that basically confirmed he'd done it to me to which I responded something about it not just being in my head? And that's where the above iMessage appeared.

There it was confirmed, "it's not in your head". I stared at my iPad and the tears started streaming. Why had something that deep down I'd always known, hurt me after all these years? I don't know. My reaction surprised myself as I would normally be the type to throw the closest item or scream but instead I just sat down and cried. I cried most of the night. I'm crying now as I write this. I may well cry tomorrow. But I have an answer finally. Will we continue on to be friends? I hope so. Will I forgive him? Never. Can I move on? Eventually. But for now I will cry and I will push the thoughts out of my head and try not to totally blame myself.

I do have the second question to ask, the one I thought would be the harder to ask but for now I don't need or want anymore truths revealed in the near future......

 

The right words.

Sometimes you can't find the right words, but fortunately somebody else has....

 

I could share hundreds of these, but these three spoke the most......

 

Regrets, I've had a few......

 

I stumbled across this photo whilst trying to do my shopping list online. Yes I don't know how I managed to go from pricing fresh spinach to stumbling across quotes. Especially when I have been on a self imposed social media ban. Besides tinkering around my blog and posting a photo on Instagram I've managed to stay away for the better part of a week. Ok, I may have snuck onto twitter for a short while the other night. (Shhh)

Back to this photo....... The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride from serious family illnesses to a good friend visiting from overseas (then leaving), throw in some shocking news and top it off with numerous trips to Spotlight (Xmas decos) and you could say it has been an exhausting month! So much so that I even started drinking coffee again.

We are all time poor these days but nobody's time is more important than another persons. They say time is money. If this saying is true I'd be interested to know what the going rate an hour is for wasting 90 minutes watching The Hangover II. That's certainly some time I regret giving!

I've heard you should live your life without regret but if you read the above photo then unfortunately I have a few regrets. From watching crap movies to working for an arsehole boss or two. I've slept away a few Sundays after a big night out but I don't regret those, I've even whiled away a few hours playing tennis on the Wii, yet I don't regret those either. Oh and on a side note, I've spent more than enough time looking at Bitstrips! Enough already people! What I do regret is all the hours spent stewing over, thinking about, stressing over a particular person. These hours over the years could easily add up to months and if I knew that going rate I'm sure I'd be owed a crapload of money for my time. To make time for a person is never a problem if you genuinely enjoy spending it with them but the "after hours" spent dissecting things that were said and discussed is when the regret for time lost can creep in. Replaying conversations in your head and wondering "what did they mean by that?" or thinking "how dare they say that". I wish I was one of those people that could let things go, but I can't. I may pretend that all is forgiven and forgotten but inside it is bubbling back to the surface every chance it can. Usually it's at night when in bed trying to get to sleep. I can't count the hours I've spent at night thinking about things. More valuable hours wasted that to a person who more than loves her sleep can be quite frustrating. I have now got back into walking, for no other reason than some exercise and even though I have music playing in my ears I am now spending this quality time thinking out things. It's amazing how much can run thru your head in a 30 min walk. Sometimes I'm so deep in thought that I don't realise I'm walking back up my driveway and the walk is over. Depending on what thoughts are in my head can make a difference to my walk. If I'm frustrated or pissed off, I tend to walk faster and harder whereas when I'm just daydreaming or having creative thoughts I still walk pretty fast but I'm easier on myself.

So instead now of thinking that I'm wasting time dissecting/thinking/stressing, I can now say I'm using that valuable time on myself by getting some exercise and the thinking is just a side job!

Having seen this photo has made me look at some things differently now. My time is just as important as yours, I do not mind at all giving it to you, but please do me the courtesy of not regretting I did.

 

 

The less they speak, the more they say

Do you know somebody so well that when they don't say something you still know what's going on? Past experience leads your gut to believe that what happened back then is happening again. In my personal experience this is how it works with certain people.

Silence = They know I know, but they don't want to acknowledge that.

Answering only certain questions = avoiding the ones that will get them into trouble

Disappearing = Up to old tricks again

If somebody is going thru something fairly major does that still give them the right to lie to you? Especially when it doesn't effect their situation but certainly does yours? In saying that, do I have the right to call them out on it when I know what they're going thru?

I've known this person a long time, I've seen them in different stages of their life and this stage is technically the lowest they have ever been. I know only too well how they feel as I have been in a similar situation. However I'm finding it hard to believe just how low they really are. On one hand I have huge sympathy for them and have reached out numerous times but on the other hand I know I am being kept just off to the side in case other "opportunities" or "situations" don't work out. Or worse still, I will just be ignored til I give up trying.

The friend in me says stick around because if they do hit rock bottom, I want to be there for them. The realist in me says step away as you know how this will end, again!

Being in different states or country means mainly conversing via iMessage and Skype. So sometimes it's hard to know what is actually going on but I've learned to trust my gut, especially with certain people. I honestly think they are using their situation to manipulate myself and others but I can't say anything. This person isn't a mean person , however they have trouble telling the truth if it means them missing out or being caught out.

One side of me is saying step away before you're kicked to the curb (again) but the other side is superglued to this person and just can't let go. Sometimes I would probably bounce my problems off this person but this time I can't. Not being able to discuss this with anybody has been challenging and not being able to switch off my brain has made for little sleep. Which in turn has then had me reaching out to this person but then it starts the whole cycle again.

I've always said never assume things but if somebody is only giving you half the information then do you try and read between the lines and possibly assume things or do you let it be and hope they eventually fill in the gaps? Plus if you're being fed information from elsewhere, do you believe that or do you once again "assume" that that person has it wrong and try to ignore this so called info?

I've become a master at blocking out certain things, ask me about my childhood and there isn't much to tell cause I simply don't remember it. Ask me about certain conversations I've had with this person over the past 15 years and I can almost repeat them verbatim. This is a double edged sword as I'm able to remember things when needed, the downside being I can remember things when I wish I couldn't. Thus making the lies easy to spot. Do I point them out? No. It's a lot harder to point these out when not standing in the same room and you're relying on that iMessage to read as sarcasm but more than likely will be missed. I hate that I sometimes speak before I think, but in saying that it's always the truth I'm saying. I'd rather be told the truth than bullshitted to. Nobody deserves to be messed around, no matter what the circumstances. In this day and age with technology etc. it is so much easier to find out things, whether searching for it or stumbling across it. With social media the world has become a very small place, how many of us are now linked by that one "mutual friend" on FB?

I am now questioning what actually is a friend? When you know somebody pretty well and have known them a long time,to have them make you feel like you have done something wrong by just trying to be there for them hurts. Yes they may need their space but somewhere along the way they will need their friends again. If you didn't make that cut as a friend, then who did? This now has me thinking, were we ever friends? It's extremely hard to turn off feelings, so you try and bury them but it doesn't take much to have them back just simmering under the surface and to get hurt again.

So on this late night/early morning my dilemma continues and tomorrow/later today will be another day of my mind working in overdrive wondering if this will be the day I can break the cycle and break thru to this person.

Or will it be another day of one sided conversations.

 

Try to Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

As most will know I am definitely not able to take credit for these words. They are however written by Coldplay and the song is titled "Try to fix you".

People get different things from different songs. I for one get a headache listening to Justin Beiber, whereas millions of others would strongly disagree. However the first four lines of this amazing song ring extremely true to me. I love this song to bits but when I hear it, I relate it to one situation that honestly should have me hating this song. That first verse is a painful reminder that is still a part of my life as it has never been completely closed. It is still a small part of my life but really shouldn't be.

Have you ever had what you thought was the perfect situation but it's all gone wrong and whilst you should turn around and walk away, you haven't? To love and hate something at the same time is a complete and utter mind fuck (sorry for swearing but it's the only way to describe it). You want to hate it and walk away but it manages to tempt you back.

"When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth"

This part has me thinking, if it doesn't work out mainly to the other person's actions does that mean you're worth nothing? Yes people would say it's the other person that is worth nothing not you. My question is why did they do it? Did they think that lowly of you that you didn't matter to begin with?

My iPad being on shuffle went from Coldplay to P!nk's "So What". It's well known this was written about her estranged husband at the time, he even appears in the film clip. However when it was written, she was clearly pissed off with him. This is my ultimate favourite song of hers and hits the top of the iTunes list as most played. First reason being IT'S P!NK!! Second reason being I also relate to this song. Yes secretly I'm a rockstar and I've got my rock moves but more so the section that she sings this

And I don't need you,

And guess what,

I'm having more fun,

And now that we’re done,

I'm gonna show you tonight,

I'm alright,

I'm just fine,

And you're a tool,

So, so what,

I am a rock star,

I got my rock moves,

And I don't want you tonight.

"You're a tool" is sung with gusto to the point that when performed live she raises a middle finger in the air at him. Oh how I used to want the opportunity to sing this and raise my finger in the air whilst telling a certain somebody they're a tool. It is a small gesture but it would feel great.

You weren't there,

You never were,

You want it all,

But that's not fair,

I gave you life,

I gave my all,

You weren't there,

You let me fall.

Looking back on things this part of the song sums everything up about the situation. Clearly sometimes you were obviously a means to an end and it became a situation that was more of convenience than anything else.

I was chatting with a good friend the other night about this and many of lifes other ups and downs. More than once he has asked me to move to California to "start a fresh" but somehow I don't think distance will make a difference. Your thoughts go where you go and I myself have never been able to turn them off. He also suggested Yoga but that's another story!

Today's blog was intended to be a release of some sort, they say if you write things down it helps. I didn't quite go where I wanted to go, out of fear of releasing too much thus then having to explain things or be judged. I have enough people in my life judging etc that I don't respond to, I'm not sure I'm ready for the internet to also judge. I honestly can see why so many American's have therapists. Sometimes you just want to have a chat about things in a secure enviroment without the fear of being judged or worse that it will get repeated elsewhere. This post has kind of no exact point but has a theme I guess. Maybe I should have called it Dear Diary? I hadn't written here for quite sometime, mainly due to lack of inspiration but also not wanting to share things.

Which brings me to my final song. Adele's "Someone like you". Do you really think she wishes nothing but the best for him? And why would she want to find someone like him, when it didn't work out in the first place? Yes I am a thinker, with possibly too much time on my hands but come on........